Happy Sunday, everyone, and happy Pride Month to my fellow queer folks! Yes, I’ll say it every week until it’s over :)
I decided to start using real headlines on my Sunday check-ins to invite more folks to actually read and engage with them, since I’m only currently able to get one or two posts out per week. I’ll still give a basic rundown of what I’ve been up to this week after a little think piece on the topic at hand.
This Week’s Photo
I took this photo this weekend in Index, Washington. It’s tangentially relevant to the topic because my trans girlfriend and I were standing in a long line at a certain touristy coffee shop surrounded by various members of the general public when I took it. While it ended up being a fun and generally stress-free day, there’s always a certain anxiety to being visibly trans in more rural areas.
Down with Phobes
This week, I crafted a response to a post regarding homophobes and transphobes elsewhere on Substack that I wanted to share:
“We’re tugging at the frayed edges of the gender binary and it’s got the patriarchy a little on edge. It’s scary to hear whispers that the foundation your cage is built upon is crumbling. They think they’re projecting strength, but their suffering shines through. Compassion and love can feel like the harder path, but hopefully more folks will find their way to it as time goes on. Ultimately we’re all trying to find happiness and peace, and respecting everyone’s right to their own authentic existence is essential to finding your own relief from suffering.”
You can see the post here:
Breaking the Binary Breaks Everything
I want to elaborate a little bit, although it’s a much bigger topic than can reasonably covered in a single post. This may be a controversial take, so I hope you’ll comment thoughtfully if you’d like to add to the dialogue. Transphobic or generally nasty comments will be removed.
I think transphobes have cause to fear. Anyone who clings desperately to a worldview that centers patriarchy and cisheteronormativity is facing a growing challenge to their philosophy that can no longer be ignored. I feel that it is not binary transness, but non-binary and genderqueer existence that is ultimately the largest threat to the status quo, and not just for straight manly men with strong opinions. It’s the folks residing in the non-polar regions of gender that complicate everything, and I’m here for it.
I think just the knowledge that gender isn’t binary shakes the foundations of modern western society. If you acknowledge that there is a spectrum of gender, you kind of also have to be aware that very few people actually inhabit the edges of any spectrum. Where does that leave you if you’re clinging to your safety blanket of masculinity or femininity, turning up the volume of your podcast so you don’t accidentally examine your own gender?
And it’s not just gender identity that is at risk. Attraction gets really fuzzy when you actually take into account all of the bodies in the world that don’t fit strict gender norms. Real world attraction doesn’t have anything to do with genitals because very few folks live in a world where everyone walks around naked all the time. There’s the well-established “trans panic” fear of being attracted to a cis-passing trans person only to find that their genitals don’t meet your expectations. But what of the soft-featured trans-masculine person, the AFAB enby, the beautiful femboy. If you’re a straight woman, what of the buff, bearded trans masculine person, or the masculine-presenting AMAB enby? If you find yourself accidentally attracted to someone who doesn’t fit your gender template for the “opposite sex”, what does that make you?
This is why the conservatives and outwardly transphobic folks want us disappeared. This is why they freak out at the latest Star Wars series and any other actual representation of queer and gender non-conforming folks in the media. It’s really hard to see us existing right there in front of them and not at least momentarily have to face their own deeply buried and unexamined selves.
All of this applies to queer folks as well. Comfortable in your identity as a lesbian woman or a gay man, meeting a beautiful enby can suddenly push you into the realms of bi/pan attraction. Getting to know us can lead to questioning your own previously solid sense of gender. The philosophy of non-binary gender also leads to some potentially hard to stomach questions. If gender is a construct, are we all non-binary? Does that mean everyone is trans? What even is queerness if we’re all ultimately somewhere in between?
To take a step back, I’m fully an existentialist and 100% cool with everyone examining their own life and coming to their own answers. If that means you’re ultimately the straightest manliest dude or a stealth trans woman, more power to you. What I am basically saying is: don’t hate other folks for being their authentic selves when you don’t have the guts to fully and honestly examine your own existence and live with the consequences. I mean really get in there and dig around in all the shame, self-hatred, and trauma.
Confident trans, non-binary, and genderqueer folks are so fucking fierce because we’ve done and continue to do the work to truly know ourselves. It’s important, freeing work. I recommend getting a good therapist if you can and diving into the darkness. It’s worth it.
(Note: I edited this section a bit based on dialogue in the comments.)
The Week That Was
I had a pretty great week with a lot of love and queer community. I had my first study buddy group meeting for my Existential Wellness Coach training program and scheduled my first two coaching sessions. Cryptid Soup met in the studio Thursday night and had a great session of contemplative improvisation. And I took a long roadtrip on Saturday with my hot girlfriend along twisty forest-lined roads and snow-capped mountains. I’m kind of loving life, if I’m honest. 😁
What I’m Reading
I think I’ll start omitting this section for a while because I’m just reading all the coaching books for the foreseeable future. I will reiterate that I’m actively accepting coaching clients at this point to get through the required session hours for certification. Comment or reply if you’re interested in being a free coaching client / guinea pig while I get through my training!
What I’m Watching
My amazing spouse and I are almost through the latest season of Star Trek: Discovery. I’m not actually sure what’s next on the watchlist, but we’ll figure something out! If you know of any cool shows that are worth watching, let me know.
Other Posts This Week
I did manage to get out another new Qatalog post on Tuesday, so here’s that if you missed it.
Buttons
That’s all for this week! Thanks as always for reading. Leave a comment (or reply to the email) and let me know what you’ve been up to!
I'm here 💯 for everything you say in "Breaking the Binary Breaks Everything" (well, all of it really, but that especially.) The days of ONES and ZEROS on the gender spectrum are quickly breaking down into a breathtaking and beautiful kaleidoscope of expression, and for some, it is quite the existential crisis. Interesting times upon us.
As a rather conventional gay man who recently turned 50, I'll admit that all the people represented by the letters beyond LGB in our alphabet alliance have lived experiences that seem so distantly removed from my own. The events that rocked my life over the past decade (which I'll be sharing in my new publication) have imparted many lessons I have taken to heart. These lessons include: listen as much as I speak, always treat every single human being as made in the image of God and possessing infinite dignity, be humbled by that fact and move through life with abundant curiosity and openness. I'm glad to have made your acquaintance - even if only virtually - and will keep listening, learning and loving.